Currently Playing: Super Mario Bros. 2

Throughout the storied and diverse history of Mario games and his numerous spinoffs, there certainly is a wealth of fantastic games. Few would argue with the supremacy of Mario 3 near the top of all-time greats. Additionally, there are lots of games that don’t quite fit the standard Mario mold: there’s Super Mario Sunshine, or Yoshi’s Island or, heck, Dr. Mario or Mario Kart. These are good games for sure, they just are Mario’s stepchildren from that ‘other’ marriage; the ones the courts say he has to include as part of his lineage and pay monthly child support to.

Then there is Mario 2.



If Sunshine is Mario’s stepchild, then Mario 2 is the incoherent drunkard on Jerry Springer who is trying to find out who his real father actually is, then ends up throwing a chair at Kid Icarus.

'E's Yer Beby!'

Honestly, I’m surprised that Mario (and Nintendo) weathered this disaster with such grace. Then again, I only vaguely remember Mario 2 from my youth. I mean Matt, the spoiled, only-child who lived down the street, had it. But I only remember actually playing it once… and I thought it sucked, and this was before we used even knew what ‘sucked’ meant.

Mario 2... sucks?

No, for my friends (and everyone I knew in general), Mario 2 was simply never mentioned. We went straight from Mario to Mario 3 (and what a glorious leap that was) and left the second installment by the wayside.

Even when I finally got the game from a thrift store, or garage sale, or other such used-goods emporium, I never played it. I felt it necessary to own, but never bothered to actually play it… until now.

And now I know why.

This game flat out sucks, and I hate it.

Yes, I know that I already said that. Hey, I’m an unoriginal bastard. But the reason, I said it again, is because I say that exact same line numerous times whenever playing the game… because it sucks, and I hate it.

Alright, alright, I know the game actually received strong reviews and was the third best selling NES game (thanks, Wikipedia!), but that doesn’t change how I feel about it (Spoiler Alert: it sucks and I hate it).

And here’s why.

1. Play control is balls. Control of your character is very ‘floaty.’ No, I don’t mean how Luigi and Peach have an inherent float in their jumps; I mean the inertia of your character lags. It’s like being in an Ice World in any other game: you slide all over the place. This game is difficult, not because of tricky platforming (I’m looking at you Lost Levels) or because of challenging bosses, but because the controls are down right atrocious.

2. It’s buggy as hell. Enemies have the tendency to vanish, for no reason. Sometimes, I’ll go to jump on the top of a wall and I’ll land on the side of it just below the top.
Other times, I’ll do a blind jump to a platform that I know is there, only to find that this time, the game decided to not include it, just to remind me that I hate it. This just scratches the surface, I challenge anyone to play through a game of Mario 2 and not experience some sort of glitch or bug. It’s ridiculous.

3. Mario 2 looks like crap. The levels, graphics, and visuals are generic and boring. And what’s with the whales in the Ice World? They look more like building blocks that spout radiator fluid than whales. Oh, I know it’s supposed to be a dream world and everything, but what the hell is this shit? I walk into a bird mouth at the end of each level? Uh, what? I mean, this is supposed to be a Dream World, why not go all out? Make this thing crazy. Make it way out there. Get freaking creative. This isn’t a dream world, it’s bland world. If this wasn’t the 8-bit era, the entire thing probably would have been rendered in five shades of beige.

Who knew that Mario 2 had its own Exit

I can’t wait to beat this shit and get it over with. I’ve been playing maybe a run-through a day for about a week and can now consistently get to the final boss, so it’s just a matter of time. I want to put Mario 2 behind me and never look back.

This game seriously sucks and I hate it.