Just Beat: Mario 2

This game sucks and I hate it. End of story.

Well, to be fair, there are exactly three awesome things about this game.

1. The underground music is awesome.

2. The end boss music is awesome.

3. The fact that I never have to play this game again is awesome.

Currently Playing: Super Mario Bros. 2

Throughout the storied and diverse history of Mario games and his numerous spinoffs, there certainly is a wealth of fantastic games. Few would argue with the supremacy of Mario 3 near the top of all-time greats. Additionally, there are lots of games that don’t quite fit the standard Mario mold: there’s Super Mario Sunshine, or Yoshi’s Island or, heck, Dr. Mario or Mario Kart. These are good games for sure, they just are Mario’s stepchildren from that ‘other’ marriage; the ones the courts say he has to include as part of his lineage and pay monthly child support to.

Then there is Mario 2.



If Sunshine is Mario’s stepchild, then Mario 2 is the incoherent drunkard on Jerry Springer who is trying to find out who his real father actually is, then ends up throwing a chair at Kid Icarus.

'E's Yer Beby!'

Honestly, I’m surprised that Mario (and Nintendo) weathered this disaster with such grace. Then again, I only vaguely remember Mario 2 from my youth. I mean Matt, the spoiled, only-child who lived down the street, had it. But I only remember actually playing it once… and I thought it sucked, and this was before we used even knew what ‘sucked’ meant.

Mario 2... sucks?

No, for my friends (and everyone I knew in general), Mario 2 was simply never mentioned. We went straight from Mario to Mario 3 (and what a glorious leap that was) and left the second installment by the wayside.

Even when I finally got the game from a thrift store, or garage sale, or other such used-goods emporium, I never played it. I felt it necessary to own, but never bothered to actually play it… until now.

And now I know why.

This game flat out sucks, and I hate it.

Yes, I know that I already said that. Hey, I’m an unoriginal bastard. But the reason, I said it again, is because I say that exact same line numerous times whenever playing the game… because it sucks, and I hate it.

Alright, alright, I know the game actually received strong reviews and was the third best selling NES game (thanks, Wikipedia!), but that doesn’t change how I feel about it (Spoiler Alert: it sucks and I hate it).

And here’s why.

1. Play control is balls. Control of your character is very ‘floaty.’ No, I don’t mean how Luigi and Peach have an inherent float in their jumps; I mean the inertia of your character lags. It’s like being in an Ice World in any other game: you slide all over the place. This game is difficult, not because of tricky platforming (I’m looking at you Lost Levels) or because of challenging bosses, but because the controls are down right atrocious.

2. It’s buggy as hell. Enemies have the tendency to vanish, for no reason. Sometimes, I’ll go to jump on the top of a wall and I’ll land on the side of it just below the top.
Other times, I’ll do a blind jump to a platform that I know is there, only to find that this time, the game decided to not include it, just to remind me that I hate it. This just scratches the surface, I challenge anyone to play through a game of Mario 2 and not experience some sort of glitch or bug. It’s ridiculous.

3. Mario 2 looks like crap. The levels, graphics, and visuals are generic and boring. And what’s with the whales in the Ice World? They look more like building blocks that spout radiator fluid than whales. Oh, I know it’s supposed to be a dream world and everything, but what the hell is this shit? I walk into a bird mouth at the end of each level? Uh, what? I mean, this is supposed to be a Dream World, why not go all out? Make this thing crazy. Make it way out there. Get freaking creative. This isn’t a dream world, it’s bland world. If this wasn’t the 8-bit era, the entire thing probably would have been rendered in five shades of beige.

Who knew that Mario 2 had its own Exit

I can’t wait to beat this shit and get it over with. I’ve been playing maybe a run-through a day for about a week and can now consistently get to the final boss, so it’s just a matter of time. I want to put Mario 2 behind me and never look back.

This game seriously sucks and I hate it.

Housekeeping

Wow, has it been a while.

Last time I posted was a long time ago, when I was mired in a tough, crap-I-took-too-many-credits semester of school. School has been out now for about a half a month and no longer is eating up tons of my time. So why haven’t I posted? I’ve been playing video games and it was glorious!

Well, I just beat Valkyria Chronicles (for the second time) and newsflash: it’s not pretty awesome; it’s freaking awesome.

I love this game. That’s pretty much all there is to it. I haven’t restarted a game immediately after beating it since… maybe R-Type Final? And before that it was Metroid Prime.

The point is, I usually have a hard time playing through a game again immediately after beating it because I get burned out. It took a lot of effort to get to the end and starting over usually seems a bit daunting.

But not with Valkyria Chronicles. I didn’t even wait until the next day. I beat it, watched the ending, saw that there was an option for a new game plus, and started playing immediately.

I’m not going to rave about why I love this game so much. Just know that Valkyria Chronicles jumped the charts directly into my top ten of all time and that’s some pretty tough competition.

I also recently joined the rest of the population of the Universe and bought a Wii. I’ve been collecting the few Wii games that look good over the past few years as they’ve come out and, with a temporary price cut on the Wii at Target, I decided it was time to finally get the hardware required to play those games.

So, I just beat Metroid: Other M. Given the almost universal negative reviews of Other M, I was set to get through the game hating it and surviving on stubbornness alone. Apparently, I got a different copy of Other M than the reviewers, because the game I played was pretty darn good.

Many of the reviews did, justifiably, comment on the jaw-dropping graphics, superb music, and (mostly) competent game control. All of this is very true and adds together to result in a very satisfying game-play experience.

The reviews had me prepared for prolific cut scenes and pervasive melodramatic narration throughout the game. I found the narration and cut scenes pretty benign, however. Yeah Samus does come off a bit more emotional than I would have expected, but for the most part, she was neither the ‘chatty Cathy’ that one reviewer called her, nor an emotional wreck constantly worried of what Adam would think. I honestly felt, and this isn’t a fan boy talking here, that Samus reacted to the situation pretty much how anyone would.

There is one exception, however, and this is the fan boy talking here. Samus froze when first confronting her longtime nemesis, Ridley. This was out of character. In the heat of battle, Samus doesn’t really strike me as someone who would be frozen with fear. Seriously, this is the same girl who has fought off the Mother Brain’s minions twice AND single-handedly infiltrated the Metroid homeworld and eradicated the entire species. She’s fought some pretty serious battles, seeing Ridley again (well for a third and not-the-last time) shouldn’t stop her in her tracks.

Despite this mis-characterization and the standard ‘made in Japan cheesy bizarreness’ Other M is solid. Does it top Super Metroid? Uh, no. But, it’s better than Prime 2, Fusion, and obviously way better than Hunters.

I likey.

Currently Playing: Oh Shit, There Go My Grades

About 6 years ago I graduated from college with a very useful degree in Military History. Since then, the job offers I’ve had in that field have been incredibly numerous and lucrative… Okay, that’s a lie.

In reality, I realized that History, while I enjoy it and think that it’s fascinating, isn’t really my calling. I don’t want to spend years of my life researching some obscure historical event, only to write a book that will most likely be read by eight people and some poor Midshipman at the Naval Academy who, by pure chance, was assigned a report on the very event to which I devoted my entire life.

Instead, I’ve returned to school to get a degree in engineering, which is much more suited to how I think and view the world.

Naturally, I’m impatient, so I’ve completely overloaded on credits in a vain attempt to get to graduation as soon as possible. Consequently, video games have taken a distant back seat to School.

And the work seemed to be paying off. With only a bit of ego, I can say that my grades were great and the semester was shaping up nicely… until Tuesday, October 5, 2010. At approximately 9:45 in the evening, I fell head-over-heels in love.

I started playing Valkyria Chronicles.

I want to have it's babies.


The characters, while still loosely conforming to the JRPG stereotypes, seem like real 3-dimensional people. Granted, the occasional cheesy line gets in the way, but otherwise the characters are all fairly likeable. In almost every JRPG I’ve played, there is at least one character that makes me groan and say, ‘shut up, shut up, shut up!’ every time they open their mouth (I’m looking directly at you, three-quarters of all Final Fantasy characters). But, so far, I’m pretty much annoyance free right now.

Annoying.

The story is top notch. I truly feel that I am but a small part of a much larger war, and not just a lone group of people who fight off the entirety of the cosmos to ‘save the world.’ Additionally, the equipment, time period, and geo-political situation draw heavily on the Second World War for inspiration, making everything familiar enough to feel like it could easily have taken place in our world, rather than some distant fantasy world. At the same time, however, there is enough change from the actual Second World War to make it a fresh and new experience and not be a mere ‘change of names to protect the innocent.’

More Annoying.

Additionally, gameplay is extremely fun and intuitive. It took me less than one battle to get my bearings and there were very few tutorial sessions. Coming off my last game (Final Fantasy XIII), where the first 20-odd hours of gameplay was essentially an extended tutorial, Valkyria Chronicles was extremely refreshing. To boot, the combat is just plain awesome. I seriously can’t get enough of it.

Die in a fire.

Lastly, Valkyria Chronicles has succeeded were almost every other RPG of the past few generations has failed: it got me interested within about 15 minutes of starting. Understand that, while I love RPGs, I despise starting them. It always feels that first few hours are like pulling teeth: with tedious fetch quests that ‘teach’ you to use different game mechanics; boring exposition scenes that try and set up the story; and multiple, painfully long explanation screens for how different mechanics work. Valkyria Chronicles was designed extremely well to either camouflage these aspects, or respect the fact that I have some intelligence and can figure most of it out on my own.

Needless to say, I’ve already broken down and played about 6 to 8 hours this week… hours I should have been studying.

I’m screwed.

Just Beat: Final Fantasy XIII

In middle school, I borrowed Final Fantasy VI from Ryan Bristol, and fell head over heals in love with it.

Doesn't Count.

For the next few years, I played it constantly. Having entered the Final Fantasy scene a bit late, VI was the only game of the franchise I was able to get my hands on (well, except for FF Legends and Mystic Quest, but those don’t really count). Consequently, when I discovered that Final Fantasy VII was coming out for the PS1, I had my first chance to play a sequel to one of my favorite games.

Realize that I had never played another Final Fantasy and didn’t understand that each of the games was wholly unique. My view of sequels was based on growing up in the 8 and 16-bit areas when a sequel was nothing more than better levels, cooler power-ups, maybe a bit more story. To us, sequels like Mario 3, Super Metroid, Mega Man II+, and A Link to the Past, where the same game we fell in love with, just with more awesome.

And yes, there were sequels that didn’t fit this mold. Mario 2 and The Adventure of Link were drastically different than their originals. But in the gaming circle I grew up in, these games were universally shunned for not being what I described above.

Anyway, my point is, I expected that Final Fantasy VII would simply be a larger, more awesome, evolution of VI.

Instead, Final Fantasy VII completely blew my mind. It was not my SNES Final Fantasy. Sure, there were nods to previous games. The names, items, and spells were similar, but this merely created a Final Fantasy atmosphere, more than anything else. It was neither a continuation of the story, nor a simple evolution of the previous game. Final Fantasy VII was something entirely unique.

Let me (finally) get to the point.

At the start of Final Fantasy VII, you are confined to a relatively linear and restrictive setting and plot. The story takes you from one point to the next, with no possibility to break from the point A to B map sections that link the various plot locations. The setting is a mega city named Midgar and is powered by eight huge Mako reactors. Right off the bat, you destroy one of those reactors and soon thereafter take out a second.

Given the story makes it absolutely clear that there are eight such reactors, I naively assumed the rest of the game would center on the destruction of the remaining six. Although I really do enjoy this part of the game, my first time through, I missed the exploration component inherent in an expansive overworld, like the one I experienced in FF VI.

FF VII disappointed me by removing one of the primary tenants of Final Fantasy that I found really attractive: the freedom to roam the world and explore regions that may or may not take me to the next objective. I loved being able to see what would happen if I went to a town that didn’t enter into the story until much later, or go to some remote location to find items significantly more powerful than my current stock.

So, imagine my disappointment, when I thought that Midgar was the entirety of my world in FFVII. Then imagine my undeniable awe in discovering that; after hours confined in a restrictive, dark, and imposing city; I emerged onto a sunny and expansive overworld.

‘Holy Balls! This game is effing huge!’ I said (well something along those lines).

Holy Balls! That sword is effing huge!

Okay, so why do I tell this long-winded, meandering, and mostly useless story? Well, the last time I posted about Final Fantasy XIII, I had just landed on the lower world of Pulse. I had given a fairly glowing report of the game to this point; contrary to the nearly universal distaste for the game. Understand that I had just played 20 to 30 hours of a completely linear (and somewhat enjoyable) game and had finally gained access to Pulse. An entire planet awaited my exploration.

I was thrilled at the possibilities Pulse offered. I had spent hours witnessing the fear Cocoon’s citizens had of a Pulse invasion. During my time on Cocoon, I was constantly ostracized and pursued. As something called a ‘Pulse L’cie,’ my party was tasked by meddling god-like beings known as Fal’cie with the utter destruction of Cocoon. Despite rejecting this tasking, Cocoon’s populace, justifiably, wanted my party dead. Having finally fled Cocoon, I was convinced that, during my exploration of Pulse, I would see the other side of the story.

I imagined a host of possibilities, each having sprawling ramifications on the story. Maybe the citizens of Pulse would welcome my party as saviors because of their status as Pulse L’cie? Or on the other hand, maybe Lighting and her friends would be hunted down for swearing off their mission to destroy Cocoon? Do the citizens of Pulse even reciprocate Cocoon’s fear, hatred, and distrust? Do the citizens of Pulse even know Cocoon believes the two worlds are still at war? Perhaps Cocoon is the true evil power and has been subjugated Pulse since the previous war? Maybe there is a true Cold War and arms race brewing between the two worlds and my party is sending both of them dangerously close to an all out apocalyptic war?

I was eager to get this side of the story. The possibilities were limitless.

With the planet of Pulse awaiting my exploration, I felt the same as when I first stepped outside Midgar and had to shield my eyes from the bright sunlight. I couldn’t wait to see where exploration and the story took me.

My enthusiasm was quickly and brutally crushed. I learned that there were no cities, no people, no war, and definitely no world to explore. Yeah, I know: spoiler alert. Deal with it.

That’s right, after finally ‘opening up,’ there is jack shit to do. Pulse is a world of several huge areas linked together and populated by a bunch of monsters. That’s it. End of story. Oh sure, you can take on the different sidequest hunts, but these are relatively boring, and apart from unlocking some log entries, truly don’t contribute to much.

Even Vanille is shocked at how lame Pulse is.

Pulse should have been the real meat of the game, where player driven exploration could have resulted in an astonishing amount of depth. Instead, it’s merely a brief diversion before the game’s final conclusion.

If Pulse is where my enthusiasm ended, then my return to Cocoon was where it turned to outright hostility. Usually, I don’t complain (much) if the story component of a game is weak. I truly value gameplay, pretty graphics, and awesome music more than the story. Perhaps I’ve just come to terms with the fact that video game stories mostly suck, but FFXIII crosses the proverbial line.

(I suppose Spoilers are ahead, but they don’t make much sense anyway, so it really doesn’t matter).

Upon returning to Cocoon, I discovered Cid had been appointed Prime Minister (or Chancellor, or whatever). This made little to no sense for several reasons. First, I had already killed Cid. I watched him die. Granted he turned to crystal and, I suppose a Fal’cie could bring him back, but it still seemed sudden and contrived. Second, Cid’s appointment was designed to destabilize Cocoon and essentially lead to civil war.

Um, What?

How does that work?

I understand that Cid and his cavalry were fighting against Fal’cie dominance over Cocoon, but wouldn’t his followers be happy that he was made Prime Minister? I understand that his position only put him under closer scrutiny from the Fal’cie, but I feel that from this position, he could orchestrate large, sweeping changes that could unify the people and eventually cast down or mitigate the Fal’cie.

Then, in the midst of this confusing plot revelation, I witnessed the most ridiculous cutscene and ‘plot development’ ever conceived of by man.

Cid gives an inaugural address where he promises to keep Cocoon safe and blah, blah, blah. He then shows his resolve. Much like a nation that is under the constant threat of invasion, he holds a military demonstration to showcase the strength and might of Cocoon’s armed forces, and…

Wait.

He doesn’t do that.

He holds a motorcycle race.

I’ll let that sink in.

A motorcycle race. That’s like holding a Nascar race in Washington DC after a newly appointed President makes his inaugural address.

Nascar: how the U.S. won the Cold War.

Then your party comes crashing into said motorcycle race and activates their respective eidolons and start wrecking shop. Then Pulse attacks… I think. Well, a bunch of monsters from Pulse start roaming around. And, I guess this started a civil war? Hell, I don’t know. This ended it for me. I had no idea what was going on, and just pushed onward to beat the game.

What the hell happened? In the last eighth of the game, I completely reversed from ‘having a blast playing it’ to ‘screw this shit, let’s just get it over with.’

Ugh.

Having said that, I still rank Final Fantasy XIII as a game I’d play again. Someday. In the far, far, future. It has some challenging bosses, mainly due to the imposed ‘limit caps.’ Likewise, I enjoyed the (controversial) battle system. I really, really liked the music (except about four exceptions, which I hated). And, for the first time in a long, long time, I actually like the main character, Lightning. Hell, even Hope and Vanille, who I started out despising, grew on me (a little). On the one hand, FFXIII is good enough to warrant another playthrough someday. Yeah, someday when the only games left are casual Kinect and Move games that I stubbornly will not play, and I’ve gone through the majority of my backlog. Yeah, I might replay it again. However, on the other hand, it’s definitely not good enough for me to really recommend to anyone.

Currently Playing: Final Fantasy XIII

I’ve been hitting Final Fantasy XIII pretty hard lately and have come to a rather startling hypothesis.

I think I may actually be enjoying this game… and I have no idea why.



I definitely approached XIII with a very negative bias. I read the generally poor reviews from sources I (for the most part) trust and, combined with the gameplay footage I saw, I was not looking forward to the game.

Then I started playing and, guess what? I did hate it. The first few chapters were garbage. I had no idea what was going on. Combat was too fast for me to understand what the hell was happening. The story was all Tarantino with massive out-of-order flashbacks and a confusing mythos that would only be adequately described later. I felt as if the game was driving itself and I was just along for the ride, aimlessly pushing the x-button along the way.

Then at about chapter 6 or so, I found myself playing for 6 to 7 hours on end. In all seriousness, I haven’t played a game consistently for huge chunks of time like this in over a decade. I’m a 2-3 hour at a time kind of gamer, mostly because I end up only marginal liking most games I play, so 2-3 hours is about all I can handle. But, with XIII, something is markedly different. Yeah, I can’t stand that most of the shit that comes out of Vanille’s mouth aren’t so much words, but rather squeaks, sighs, and whines. Yeah, the ‘levels’ are linear as fuck. Yeah, the Crystarium isn’t a customization system, but rather a thinly veiled linear level-up system. But, for some reason, I can handle all the (massive) negatives and am really having a pretty good time.

While playing yesterday, I mulled over this phenomenon and came to the realization that critics (myself included) have a tendency to compare any Final Fantasy to the rest of the games of the series. And, honestly, there is nothing wrong with that. Final Fantasy, has often been a hallmark game of whatever system it was on and should be a litmus test for the rest of the series. Unfortunately, I firmly believe that the Golden Age for Final Fantasy has long since past. The SNES and early PS1 days set a bar so high that Square-Enix may continue to produce quality games and never again reach that level.

With the above realization, it occurred to me that I had, not once, made a comparison between Final Fantasy XIII and any other game of the franchise. As a staunch Final Fantasy supporter for nearly 2 decades, why was I totally cool to let XIII slip through my pessimistic criticism of anything made after 1998?

(Here’s the part where I’m not going to make any friends.)

Final Fantasy XIII isn’t a Final Fantasy.

Watch Out, Steke! Don't piss off the Fanboys, or Cardboard Cloud will come for you!

Okay, let me explain. I know that since the days of FF VII there have always been critics that say this, but they are using it as a negative, whereas I am not.

Until XIII (and to a lesser extent XII), every Final Fantasy has possessed a familiarity about it. I could link the design, mechanics, and essence of the game to the rest of the series. Pressing start on any Final Fantasy, even including those I despised, was like coming home from a long trip.

But, when I turn on XIII and I don’t feel that familiarity, the comfort of something I’ve already done 12 freaking times… and it’s goddamn refreshing. It’s different. It’s new. Really, XII was the same way, it just took me 40 hours to realized that I was hating on a game simply because it wasn’t Final Fantasy VI. XIII earns mad points from me because Square-Enix took it in a new direction, it’s innovative, and it makes me want to play it.

Yeah, it’s not awesome like we’ve come to expect from Final Fantasy. Yeah, it has some... okay, many problems. But, the production value is still through the freaking roof, the music is incredible, the combat system allows for boss fights of grand scale, and it’s nothing we have really seen before. It won’t go down as my favorite of the franchise, but it sure as hell is better than X.

(Probably not making any friends with that last sentence either.)

Anyone who talks to me about videogames for any length of time will soon learn that one of my favorite games of all time is U.N. Squadron for the SNES.


I freaking love this game and due to the excessive amount of time I’ve spent playing it, I’ve gotten ridiculously good at it. No kidding, if I had to point to one game that I can legitimately say I’ve mastered, it would be U.N. Squadron.

Heck, it’s even gotten to the point where I add restrictions to myself to make it more challenging. Why not trying to beat the game on Hard with only using the worst plane? How about beat it on Gamer mode? Okay, now beat it on Gamer mode without using Greg? Okay, now beat it on Gamer mode without using Greg AND without Special Weapons? And now, beat it on Gamer mode without using Greg, Special Weapons, or getting a single weapon powerup?

Alright, you caught me, I wasn’t able to complete the last two of those challenges. I honestly don’t think it would be possible to do those last two. But, you get the idea.

Because of my love for U.N. Squadron, the Arcade version has been sort of my own personal Moby Dick. I vaguely remember playing it a few times at the arcade in the mall, but that was before I was even in middle school. My only recollection was of how much harder (and how different) it was from the SNES version.

Since those days, I’ve always checked every (increasingly rare) arcade that I run across to see if they have the cabinet, but alas, they never do. I have seen a few clips of people playing online, but they are almost always using an emulator.

Needless to say, I had pretty much resigned myself to the realization that I would never really be able to experience this game on my own.

...Until I found someone asking way too much for one on Ebay! So, I did what any reasonable person without a job would do, I bought it - and it is glorious!