Just Beat: Super Turrican

Most of the time, when perusing the used game section of a secondhand store or pawn shop, I use my keen ‘Nostalgia-Sense’ to spot games that I might like. Most often, I read through the games stacked chaotically in a glass case towards the back, and just look for a title that perhaps I rented a few times way back when, or played at a friend’s house, or maybe read about in Nintendo Power, or even simply heard on the playground that it was a good game. If I see something that meets those criteria, I usually pick it up. Granted, I’m still disappointed now and again, but it beats the heck putting energy into something like researching a game before buying it.

Super Turrican only barely meets the above requirements. Somewhere, on the periphery of my childhood videogame memory vault, there is a vague recollection of recognizing the name ‘Super Turrican.’ Unfortunately, the memory is so vague that I neither know where I heard it from, nor if it was any good. I think my sole reference may have originated from an episode of Nick Arcade, but I’m unable to find a coherent list of games that the show featured.

Regardless of where I heard of it, something in my head linked Super Turrican with being a pretty good game, so I recently picked it up. In theory, this is a game I would love: 2D shooter, with large and vaguely non-linear levels, lots of weapons and powerups, some difficult platforming, and tons of secrets to uncover. This game has all the necessary ingredients for an instant classic and there is a large, devoted fan-base out there championing the original games (for Amiga, C64, Mega Drive/Genesis, NES/SNES, to name a few). There is even a significant movement to release the nearly finished, but never published, final game of the series on the Virtual Console.

However, while the devoted fans may cry foul, I say that this game fails in almost every respect. Not that it does anything really wrong, it simply doesn’t really do anything right. The entire time playing it, all I wanted to do was play Contra 3, even from before pressing start… with the intro.


Starting out, the camera pans down through an overly colorful and star-studded sky. The term ‘bejeweled’ comes to mind. The top portion of a planet comes to dominate the bottom of the screen. It’s an inviting world with swirling lime green and pink clouds, it looks more like a mix of sherbet at Baskin Robins, than a planet.

Text types across the bottom:
Stardate… 2751-11
Planet… Katakis
Class… Mostly Harmless

Uh, what? Is it November of 2751? Does anyone actually have good reasoning behind how stardates work (I’m looking at you Star Trek)? And, what the heck does ‘Mostly Harmless’ mean? What sort of planet classification system is this? Is ‘Mostly Harmless’ right below ‘Partly Boring’ and right above ‘Entirely Apathetic’?

Anyway, cut to the rear view of a generic looking spacecraft. We never see any other aspect of this craft, other than the aft view. The narration continues, ‘Lonesome, the Avalon 1 glides through the outer reaches of the galaxy.’

Okay, I don’t think that ‘glides’ is the verb I would choose for this picture. Perhaps ‘careens’ would be a better word choice, as the crew has obviously been drinking heavily and the pilot is having a hard time staying between the lines.

Flash back to 31 Flavors Katakis, which now is in the grip of a gargantuan person that looks like the artist got confused as to whether he was supposed to draw Shredder or Galactus. The narrator, who recently learned how to (poorly) use a thesaurus, states, ‘Suddenly, with a flash of destruction, the evil forces of The Machine conquer Katakis. Brutally, they freeze the people of this peaceful world in eternal enslavement.’

Wait. Is that Mutant Shredder-Galactus-spawn supposed to be ‘The Machine?’ He doesn’t really look like a machine. And, if he is so huge (as the image shows, he is clearly gripping the planet in his hands) and powerful enough to unleash a sudden ‘flash of destruction,’ why would he want to conquer a worthless planet that is classified as ‘mostly harmless?’ Additionally, what good are frozen people as slaves. I suppose they will last a really, really long time (or eternally as the narration suggests), but they really won’t be very productive, you know, being frozen and all.

We return again to the rear of the Avalon 1 as it hobbles through space under direction of its inebriated pilot, ‘Justice! The cry of a billion souls floats through space and. . .
. . . Finally reaches the Avalon 1.’

Good thing Obi Wan Kenobi is onboard the Avalon to feel the disturbance of the force, otherwise I’m not sure how exactly the crew would receive the cry of all those souls floating aimlessly through space.

The camera shows the spacecraft speed off into the distance. Then we cut back to Katakis. Fortunately, The Machine has wandered off, most likely due to Katakis being a pretty boring place, you know, with everyone being frozen and all. The Avalon, then rolls crazily to the right as the sloshed pilot sets a collision course for the landing site. The text continues, ‘Approaching Katarkis, the brave fighters of the U.S.S. Freedom Forces. . .
. . . Slip into their Turrican Assault Suits, ready to risk their lives for the innocent.’

I love how in science fiction, whenever a writer is trying to make a ship or something sound militaristic and important, they title it the ‘U.S.S. Something Epic.’ Seriously, do any of those writers understand that those letters stand for United States Ship? And to even more confound matters, we already know the name of the ship is the Avalon 1. So, what the heck is the U.S.S. Freedom Forces? Given the context, it sounds more like a branch of the military, or perhaps a special forces unit, which makes even less sense. Even more ridiculous is that these hardened solders ‘slip’ into their mech suits that contain, as the back of the box states, ‘the firepower of an entire army.’ Yet, it sounds so luxurious, ‘slipping’ into these suits made for war. They might as well wear them as pajamas if they’re so comfy.

And then we cut to a climactic image of the Turrican Suit! It looks like the designers took samples of all the best mech-suit designs out there: Samus Aran, Mega Man, Ropocop, the Transformers, you name it. Once collected, they then removed all the cool parts and blindly jammed the remaining crappy pieces together to form a disjointed, impractical suit of WTF. Oh, and the background is a bunch of blurred colors flashing by. Why? Because it’s EXTREME!

It has occurred to me that I may be overly harsh on the introduction. Many games’ openers range from oddly curious to outright ridiculous. Take Contra 3’s opener which is nearly as bad. Crappy Arial font scrolls ‘The Alien Wars begin!’ across the screen and a poorly rendered Arnold Schwarzenegger and his Look-Alike-Minority saying, ‘It’s time for revenge. Let’s attack aggressively.’ (Fortunately both Arnold and his African American Clone are sporting pretty hardcore headbands, otherwise they wouldn’t stand a chance)

However, I posit that Super Turrican’s introduction sets the tone for the entire game. Nothing quite adds up in it. For example, The Machine, or the Shredder-Galactus hybrid, never makes an appearance in the game. The end boss is basically the Queen Alien from Aliens. What the heck happened to the huge, planet clutching samurai dude? And what about all those frozen slaves? You never rescue any of them, nor even see any indication whatsoever of their existence.

At least in Contra, you end up fighting the floating face you see in the opening. Likewise, you participate (and attack aggressively!) in the war against the Aliens. It even alludes to other human resistance/military acting in said war: a bomber napalms the infested city in Level 1 and an attack helicopter fires missiles at the huge battleship in Level 4.

Having made it through the Intro and actually started Super Turrican, I was completely unimpressed. Again, I reiterate that nothing was blatantly wrong: the controls fairly tight, the graphics distinct, hit detection solid, and the levels vaguely fun. But, the game refused to do almost anything truly right.

For example, why can I only fire to the left or right? The last game I played with a similar limitation was the original Metroid and that was, what, 1986? Super Turrican was published in 1993! To further compound this curiosity, one of the auxiliary weapons, the Freeze Laser, can fire in a complete 360 degree arc. I will grant, that I rarely desired to shoot other than horizontally, as the 360 range of the Freeze Laser and various gun powerups made up for the inadequacy, but the question of ‘why?’ remains.

Another adequate, but unimpressive feature were the graphics. The game makes use of the SNES’ ability to produce a huge variety of colors as well as mode 7 graphics. However, the color combinations prove too garish, bright, and overly colorful, which ultimately portrays the environments and enemies as almost childish. Compare the color choices of Contra 3 or Super Metroid to those of Super Turrican and you will see a richer color pallet with deeper tones and consequently a more mature feel.

The gameplay mechanic also left me wanting. While I am aware that the variety and style of weapons has been around, with little variation, since the original Amiga/C64 version, I still feel that it lacks refinement. The variety of secondary weapons seems a bit thrown together. Apart from the main gun, the Turrican suit can be used to stomp enemies (Mario style), it can roll into a quasi-invincible ball that lays mines (ala Metroid), the Freeze Laser temporarily freezes most enemies and has a 360 arc of fire, and there is a super attack that fires a wide beam horizontally in both directions. About half of the weaponry gives the impression that it was very loosely designed; that there was not much thought into the purpose and capabilities of the weapons, rather they were added simply to give the player options.

If the designers allowed the main gun to be targeted in 8 directions, allowed the player to switch between using the standard gun and the freeze ray (say with a press of the X or R button), combined with perhaps one of the super weapon/mega bomb attacks, the player would have had very similar capabilities, but with a much cleaner control scheme.

Finally, when I reached the final set of levels, I felt almost betrayed. The design of the enemies and level overall is a copyright infringement rip-off of the Alien trilogy and to a lesser extent the final levels of the Contra games. Seriously, Face Huggers popping out of eggs and latching onto your face; Aliens running around; and Alien heads dripping spit are the platforms of the level. The walls and platforms composed of alien body parts mimics Contra final level design. When playing through a game, I should not be reminded of another game, a better game, a game I would rather be playing.

There are other items that rubbed me wrong as well. These were simply poor design choices that, in no way, break the game, but added to the unremarkable feel.
- On the game start screen, the Select button doesn’t move between ‘Start’ and ‘Option,’ instead, it starts the game
- In some levels, the time limit can be fairly brutal, granting very little time for exploration or mistakes. This would be fine if it was standard, but some levels have strict limits, while others provide excessive leniency
- The bosses are few in number and almost comically easy to boot. I died maybe once on a boss and I think it was because I was trying to eat a PB&J sandwich and fight him at the same time

I will grant this game one concession: the music is outstanding. No howevers, no buts, no extenuating circumstances here. The musical scores are amazing. Each track perfectly fits and reflects the specific environment or level for which it was composed. Well done.

My final conclusion for Super Turrican is, unsurprisingly, that apart from the music, I am entirely unimpressed. If you played this back in the day, you will most likely have a different view, due to your nostalgia goggles. However, when presented with it for the first time, it definitely has not aged well and is average in almost every respect.

Just Beat: Uncharted: Drake's Fortune

I finished off Uncharted last night and I must say that this was one really solid game. Everything about it, visuals, voice acting, environments, story, music, everything was top notch.

I’m not going out on a limb by claiming this game as awesome. Nor have I discovered a sleeper hit or overlooked classic. But that won’t stop me from recommending it.

That being said, there were a few things that made me go ‘hmmm.’ And with that, I give you the Things I Learned from Uncharted:

1. The Flood Season in the tropics is brutal. Seriously, the flood was high enough to get a German U-Boat stuck on the top of a waterfall, that's pretty dang epic.

2. Secret Islands need Customs Houses for oceanic trade. I could understand a simple port to receive supplies from the Spanish homeland, but a Customs House implies that their would be foreign trade, imports and exports going to and from the island… the island that is uncharted and kept secret. That makes no sense!

3. Jumping ability is only one dimensional. Despite being able to set Olympic records in the long jump, even with a mere three foot running start, Drake can’t seem to jump higher than about two feet (provided there isn’t anything to really grab onto).

4. Spanish Colonial city planners favor building their cities below sea level. Okay, the game clearly states that Sir Francis Drake upon discovering the treasure had the unfortunate side effect of Zombie, ‘flooded the city.’ This indicates that there was something easy for Drake to destroy (like a dam or levee) to submerge the city. And, because the city is still submerged, this indicates that it simply wasn’t a floodplain, as the water would have subsided by now.

5. The Germans really make great film and small arms. Upon discovering the German Sub Base, Drake discovers the place in shambles. Everything is utterly destroyed; except of course, all those machine guns and thousands of rounds of ammunition that are still in perfect condition, as well as the film projector that is, not only in great shape and still plugged in, but also shows no sign of having been exposed to tropical humidity for nearly 60 years.

6. The jetski is the most potent military vehicle ever invented. Throughout the game Drake occasionally can pick up the powerful grenade launcher to rain almost instant death on his enemies. Unfortunately, it usually comes packing with a whole three rounds, making its usefulness extremely short-lived. But, when Elaina hops onto the back of the jetski with one, *poof* unlimited ammo. I’m surprised the military doesn’t use these more often, with the magical ability to grant limitless ammunition for whatever weapon you may be holding.

7. Spanish Catacombs have torches with eternal flames. Drake periodically discovers new areas throughout the game that apparently have never been seen by human eyes in at least 60-ish years (since the 3rd Reich made a visit). However, after finding the secret passage to some unknown catacomb, there just happen to be torches or burning chandeliers or something lighting the way. Oh, and a lot of times, dudes with machine guns happen to have made to the area that no one could find in time to lay down some suppressing fire on you.

8. Again with the Spanish Architects, this time they spare no expense. Seriously, I’ve seen Spanish colonial buildings in Central America and the Southwest United States. They are fairly small and simple affairs, not the huge and elaborate edifices that the Customs House, Fortress, and especially Monastery are. Holy nuts are those things colossal structures. Maybe the Spanish designer was making up for something?

9. Spanish and Nazi Zombies are intelligent, cooperative, and good with their hands… sometimes. The game is pretty clear that all the weird stakes, voodoo type figures and skulls all over the place are the work of the Spanish-Nazi-Zombie-Things. Additionally, these creatures had the capability to create fairly comprehensive torsion type booby traps in very tactically placed locations. These facts allude to a cooperative and intelligent Zombie community with a common goal. However, when they attack they become entirely mindless, use the brilliant tactic of ‘frontal assault’ and utilize no weaponry whatsoever: none of the prolific small arms lying all over the place, no spears, no clubs, nothing.

10. Waft unknown chemicals. Remember in high school chemistry, when trying to identify a chemical, you were taught to waft it instead of take a big old sniff? That’s right, waft with the hand. Sure enough that’s ammonia. Had you inhaled a huge sniff of that, you might have burned your nose so much that you would never smell again. Well, that lesson seemingly applies to mummies. Don’t look at the grotesque mummy and think, ‘I might as well take a huge sniff of this guy.’ Instead, try a small waft. It may just prevent you from turning into an Archeologist-Spanish-Nazi-Zombie.

Currently Playing: Uncharted: Drake's Fortune

A quick word on Spoilers. Because no one ever reads this blog and because I play games that have been out almost long enough to start using ‘scores’ as a unit of measure, I don’t think I am going to mark spoilers. Deal with it.

Granted, Indiana Jones: Drake’s Fortune hasn’t been out for a super long time, but with the sequel making such a huge splash last year, I feel either most people already played the first, or will ignore it in favor of its newer, more critically acclaimed brother.

As I near the end, I am completely sold on how great this game is. I love the story, the voice acting is top notch, the climbing mechanic is fun, and the visuals are fantastic. But, what really sold me was the inclusion of Nazi Zombies.

That's right. Nazi Zombies.

I’m really glad that the former occupants of the Nazi Sub Base left so much ammunition laying around for me to use to wholesale slaughter their Zombified remains.

Seriously, all of a sudden this game turned survival horror on me, I didn’t see that coming. I knew that I would end up fighting something of the super natural variety, that much was hinted from the beginning, but I never expected something as awesome as Nazi Zombies!

As of now, I'm routinely getting my ass handed to me as I try to get the power back on in the derelict Nazi Base. But, I will prevail. I will show those Nazis who's boss!

Just Beat: Final Fantasy XII

You know those people who like to brag about the marathon they just ran? The same people who are overweight and a doctor would advise against them running any distance over a mile without medical supervision? Yeah, those people, they didn’t run anything. They waddled, walked, and rested their way through 26.2 miles. They don’t have anything really to be proud of, except that they showed up on race day and simply survived 26.2 miles.

That’s how I feel right now, nothing to be proud of, no one cares that I beat the Hell Wyrm and Yiazmat, but it won’t stop me from bragging to all my friends that I waddled, walked, and rested my way through Final Fantasy XII.

I didn’t beat Final Fantasy XII, I endured it.

But, now that the deed is done what are my Final Thoughts?

Popular opinion damns Final Fantasy XII as a departure from the series and if you've listened at all to any of my rants, you might be inclined to believe that I agree. However, I don’t spend over 100 hours playing through the sidequests of a game I hate. I believe that XII is a very solid entry into the franchise and hell, it's way better than X (which I despise). My final verdict is that I would definitely play it again, and for me, that’s saying a lot.

Currently Playing and a few New Additions

Phew. I am still playing Final Fantasy XII. I am beginning to seriously doubt that this game is real. Perhaps I'm stuck in my own personal video game purgatory where I must do never ending hunting side-quests and travel almost exclusively on foot through an enormous world. Maybe this is my punishment for actually sort of liking Final Fantasy X-2.

Relax, I said sort of.

Anyway, I am making progress. I think I am starting to near the end because the plot is picking up. And, by 'picking up,' I mean where the story usually negins to fall apart because they are running out of game to properly develop the third act.

In completely unrelated news, I have numerous new additions to my collection. Part of me is psyched about this (because most of my new games are awesome), but my more rational half tells me that this just puts me deeper into my never-ending black hole of a backlog.

Who cares, bring on the awesomeness!

My newest additions:

Uncharted: Drake's Fortune. I was lucky enough to find this brand new and for super cheap at my local abandoned warehouse... um, I mean K-Mart. Seriously, didn't K-Mart declare bankruptcy, what a decade ago?

Carrier Aces. I picked this up on a whim at a sketchy basement used DVD/game store. After having tried it, I can firmly say that it sucks. I can also say that this is the kind of game that I would have deemed 'awesome' when I was eight, despite taking thirteen weekends worth of renting to finally get the hang of the control scheme.

BlazBlue: Calamity Trigger. I'm not very fond of fighting games. In fact, the last fighting game I really played a lot of was Killer Instinct. But, BlazBlue has all the right stuff to attract me to a game: kick ass art style, 2-D sprite based graphics, awesome backgrounds, enough of a story to keep it interesting, and lots of pretty explosions.

Castlevania: Symphony of the Night. Hell yes. It's about time I rounded up a copy of this. I've wanted to play this ever since someone described it as being 'sort of like Super Metroid.' Anything that remotely resembles Metroid is cool by me. I can't wait to fire up this little beauty.

Demon's Souls. I've wanted this for a while now, but never enough to actually shell out the cash. Fortunately, the girlfriend paid attention to my longing gazes at Target and gave it to me for Valentine's Day. Score! I definitely think she got the raw end of the deal... I got her Scribblenauts.

Currently Playing: Final Fantasy XII – Part 2

Holy balls. Does this game ever end? It’s like the freaking NeverEnding Story, except this time, the Princess has a name and there isn’t a luck dragon.

Fran, if Jim Henson had been in charge of character design

Right now, I’m crushing through the 60 hour point and if I had to guess, I’d say I'm at the halfway point. Maybe the two-thirds point, but that’s pretty dang optimistic.

Part of the reason I have no idea how far along I am, stems from the plot not really increasing in tension. Oh, sure, political intrigue

Want a sophisticated, complex plot? Don't forget to add a crappy translation to really bring it all together.

can be awesome. I’m a huge fan of political thrillers. But, just because it’s political in nature doesn’t really mean that it’s mature or intellectual, or even good for that matter. If I want a Final Fantasy with some serious political intrigue, backstabbing, plotting, and manipulating, I’ll stick with Tactics (which also happens to be one of the best games of all time).

Anyway, the plot fails to build in tension largely due to the expansiveness of the game. The game gives you five minutes of plot and someone telling you where to go next. Five hours later, I finally get to the designated location, fight through a mine (or something equally generic), then get the next five minutes of plot.

Don’t get me wrong. I love sidequests and having cut my teeth on the original Final Fantasy, I don’t really mind grinding either. But, when I take off to do the available sidequests and it takes in the neighborhood of 5 to 10 hours to complete them. Now that’s bullshit!

Take hunting, for example. I like doing the hunting quests, they pit me against some stronger-than-average monsters and I sometimes get good loot from beating them. It gives a pretty satisfying sense of accomplishment. But, let’s look at the time required to finish each hunt.

First – Go to a bar and look at the bills for available hunts. After selecting one, it will direct you to talk to a specific person, who usually resides on the other side of the continent.

Second – Go talk to the person indicated and accept the hunt. They will give you a fairly obvious hint of where the monster can be found, if not its outright location. Oh, and in case you’ve played through the game before and know where the monster will be found, you still can’t skip this step: the monster won’t even appear until you’ve talked to the poster of the bill.

Third – Find the monster and beat it. Most of the time, this is fairly easy as all the running around and talking to people has a nice added bonus of leveling up your characters, but on rare occasion, there might be a tougher battle.

Fourth – Go back and talk to the person who posted the bill. Seriously!? I have to walk my ass all the way back there just to get my loot? I couldn’t just, I don't know, get it from the monster when it dies? Ridiculous.

Okay, I get it. It’s more realistic this way, kind of like getting loot from monsters instead of money. Yeah, I know a vulture shouldn’t drop a bunch of cash, but it sure beats the hell out of going to a store and spending several minutes selling all the random items I collected during my 30th circumnavigation of Ivalice. All I’m saying is that I would gladly sacrifice a bit of realism for a little bit more time economy.

Like I said, I like doing the side quests and roving all over Ivalice. The problem is that all this filler takes away any tiny bit of tension that the plot is trying to build.

Whatever. Back to it I guess, maybe I'm further along than I think.

Oh, and I totally know that I can teleport from the red save crystals. Doesn't help all that much though.

Currently Playing: Final Fantasy XII

I've been playing FFXII for the first time. Instead of going on a rant, I'd like to to do something a bit different.

So instead, I'm going to sketch out a scene from Star Wars or Final Fantasy XII and you tell me which one I'm describing.

Let's get started with: Star Wars or Final Fantasy XII?

Game on.

We're going to start with our blond-haired protagonist. He's grown up in some sort of foster care, as his parents are presumed

But, I was going to Toshi station to pick up some power converters...

to have died when he was very young, perhaps in the previous war. At the beginning of the story, he spends his days running errands for an older gentlemen, but dreams of being more, perhaps becoming a pilot of some kind?

After finding himself in a bit of trouble, our hero teams up with a mercenary-scoundrel type anti-hero and his extremely tall, animal-like sidekick, who incidentally is also a very good pilot and has a knack for using various weapons including something that looks like a bow.

Apparently, Fran has really let herself go.

You must learn the ways of the Force, if you are to come with me to Alderaan.

Our ragtag team also joins forces with an aging knight who fought in the last war. Apparently, public opinion is that he failed in his role as a protector and through his actions, essentially led to the Empire becoming even more powerful.

Eventually our hero and his band find themselves near capture on a huge Imperial superweapon. Mere mention of this superweapon strikes fear into the hearts of the Empire's enemies. Fortunately, our heroes are able to evade a one-way ticket to the brig by having someone trick the dimwitted Imperial Troops by dressing in their own armor!

Once free, our heroes then locate the Princess (whom they are obviously going to save) in the detention area. After sneaking through various corridors and hallways without so much as even raising an alarm, they arrive at the detention area, only to be met by resistance. Once dispatching all the guards and their officers, our hero hurries to free the Princess before reinforcements arrive.

Aren't you a little short for a Stormtrooper?

Despite freeing the Princess without too much trouble, our heroes failed to plan an effective escape. To complicate issues, the forced entry into the cell block has raised the alarm and Troopers throughout the vessel are now rushing to stop the rescue attempt.

The team decides to return to the

Now I am the master...

hanger to make their escape. Despite facing off against Imperial Troopers the entire way, the team makes it to their destination. Unfortunately, a malevolent man, dressed completely in unique and intimidating armor, and possessing powerful magic was there and a battle ensues. Unfortunately, the masked man is not defeated and the team must beat a hasty retreat before he is able to marshal his forces to stop them.

Escaping on a speedy vessel, our heroes barely avoid the fighters that escort the massive superweapon and are able to continue on their quest.

I sure hope the old man got that tractor beam out of commission!

Okay, I know that I am not the first to draw extensive comparisons between Star Wars and FFXII, but, seriously, this is freaking ridiculous. Nearly the entire portion of the game involving the Leviathan is a direct copy of Death Star scenes from A New Hope.

I know Square has a love of Star Wars. The addition of Biggs and Wedge into many of the FF games is a fitting Star Wars tribute. But when it comes to the Leviathan, in there simply aren't enough direct references to make the player view it as a tribute. Instead it seems like Square simply had written themselves into a corner, couldn't think of how to make a 'Save the Princess' quest fit, and said, 'Screw it, let's just copy Star Wars.